I’ve always been building products mostly in my own startups and I’m on my second startup now, this is a huge challenge with two young kids. There really are no easy answers.
What I have found is really key is full engagement with whatever the time is, so focusing on quality not quantity. Even if I’m with my wife for 15min I try to fully engage with her in that time. It doesn’t help to spend time with someone and be constantly glancing at your phone. Even something as outing your phone away during dinner and bedtime helps
That’s right Marko! And sound advice on putting devices as far away as possible. We have a “no phones at the breakfast/dinner table” rule in our house.
Yeah and something that isn’t spoken about as much is what is normalized within your family. Does your partner want a work life balance, do you? What are the non negotiables to both of you?
I feel that a big part of my struggles are that my partner wants something very different --
Thanks for sharing this, Adam. I feel like there aren't enough fathers that talk about this tension between family and career, perhaps because it's not seen as a traditionally masculine topic. As a dad in a dual-working household I feel seen and I appreciate you opening up the conversation.
One thing to add - setting boundaries as a leader is good for your teams as well. My partner always reminds me "Taking time off is setting a good example for your team" and it's true. When people see their leaders modeling balance, they feel safer taking time off, not responding after hours, and bringing up when their out-of-work priorities conflict with their jobs.
An excellent point and one I’ve struggled with throughout my career - boundary setting. Hard for some of us who feel more successful at work then family!
Great post! I think your point on creating the right expectations for teammates around you is super important. As a parent of three kids with demanding career, I find that's the most reliable way to ensure I can enjoy and be fully present in times when teammates are working while I'm with my kids. I also had a similar experience to you in learning some hard lessons with my first kid.
The writing that influenced my thinking most on this topic is Clayton Christensen's book called 'How will you measure your life?' It's a short read but I think the framing and clarity probably speaks to product people.
When my youngest was born (in 2012) I went back to work 4 days a week and hired a nanny 4 days a week. That allowed me a full weekday to focus on being a mom exclusively, which fueled me to go full-steam on the other (work) days. Now that my kids are older (8 and 11), I want to spend even more time with them than I did when they were little. In lots of ways, they need me more. So now I’m doing part-time fractional product leader work. I think a lot of new parents consider cutting back on work during the baby phase and assume they’ll want to return full-steam when their kids are school-aged. They don’t realize that’s when a lot of the fun (and hardest/most rewarding work) begins.
Thank you for this - it's so rare to see this perspective from a man, much less a man in tech, which in my experience, is an industry that has little tolerance for these tensions of being a fully nuanced, human with a rich life outside of work. We need more of it. 👏🏽
Thanks for sharing, Adam. I am very new at that parenting thing (3 weeks!) and have just got back to work. My "plan" so far is to be even more sharp on deciding where to put my energy, reduce cognitive load wherever it is possible, and work more intensely (using pomodoro technique as a stepping stone). Wish me luck ;)
Congratulations! Exciting journey you’re embarking on. Your plan is a good one and table stakes for folks with young kids. My only advice is to be okay with changing it when it no longer works. Good luck!
I love reading this. And I hope more people where sharing similar traits. As someone growing my PM career and 2 kids at the same time. It's a fine prioritization balance between the two. But at the end of the day, as much as I love Product Management, my kids will always be my real priority.
Thank you for this open, honest and helpful write-up. There are so many parents working in product, so good to see this topic getting some well-deserved attention.
Since the birth of my daughter, my wife and I both switched to 4-day work weeks. I'm really enjoying it and feel like it's a great balance (also to have a day of just you and the kiddo). We're both at Senior PM-level though, not really sure if it would work above.. But maybe that's the concession to make then. If it is, I'm happy with it :)
I’ve always been building products mostly in my own startups and I’m on my second startup now, this is a huge challenge with two young kids. There really are no easy answers.
What I have found is really key is full engagement with whatever the time is, so focusing on quality not quantity. Even if I’m with my wife for 15min I try to fully engage with her in that time. It doesn’t help to spend time with someone and be constantly glancing at your phone. Even something as outing your phone away during dinner and bedtime helps
That’s right Marko! And sound advice on putting devices as far away as possible. We have a “no phones at the breakfast/dinner table” rule in our house.
Yeah and something that isn’t spoken about as much is what is normalized within your family. Does your partner want a work life balance, do you? What are the non negotiables to both of you?
I feel that a big part of my struggles are that my partner wants something very different --
Thanks for sharing this, Adam. I feel like there aren't enough fathers that talk about this tension between family and career, perhaps because it's not seen as a traditionally masculine topic. As a dad in a dual-working household I feel seen and I appreciate you opening up the conversation.
One thing to add - setting boundaries as a leader is good for your teams as well. My partner always reminds me "Taking time off is setting a good example for your team" and it's true. When people see their leaders modeling balance, they feel safer taking time off, not responding after hours, and bringing up when their out-of-work priorities conflict with their jobs.
An excellent point and one I’ve struggled with throughout my career - boundary setting. Hard for some of us who feel more successful at work then family!
Great post! I think your point on creating the right expectations for teammates around you is super important. As a parent of three kids with demanding career, I find that's the most reliable way to ensure I can enjoy and be fully present in times when teammates are working while I'm with my kids. I also had a similar experience to you in learning some hard lessons with my first kid.
The writing that influenced my thinking most on this topic is Clayton Christensen's book called 'How will you measure your life?' It's a short read but I think the framing and clarity probably speaks to product people.
Thanks for sharing Lane! Big fan of the work you’re doing at Coda. Thanks for the book suggestion!
Thanks Adam, big fan of your writing!
When my youngest was born (in 2012) I went back to work 4 days a week and hired a nanny 4 days a week. That allowed me a full weekday to focus on being a mom exclusively, which fueled me to go full-steam on the other (work) days. Now that my kids are older (8 and 11), I want to spend even more time with them than I did when they were little. In lots of ways, they need me more. So now I’m doing part-time fractional product leader work. I think a lot of new parents consider cutting back on work during the baby phase and assume they’ll want to return full-steam when their kids are school-aged. They don’t realize that’s when a lot of the fun (and hardest/most rewarding work) begins.
Absolutely agree! A bit less sleep in the early stages but more time than when they’re older. Lots of fun experiences to have with them at this age!
Thanks for sharing this Michelle. Very timely advise for a father with a 1 yr old 😀
Thank you for this - it's so rare to see this perspective from a man, much less a man in tech, which in my experience, is an industry that has little tolerance for these tensions of being a fully nuanced, human with a rich life outside of work. We need more of it. 👏🏽
Thank you Cris. It’s one small part of what I’m hoping achieve with this newsletter and the Startup Dad podcast. Appreciate having you as a reader.
Thanks for sharing, Adam. I am very new at that parenting thing (3 weeks!) and have just got back to work. My "plan" so far is to be even more sharp on deciding where to put my energy, reduce cognitive load wherever it is possible, and work more intensely (using pomodoro technique as a stepping stone). Wish me luck ;)
Congratulations! Exciting journey you’re embarking on. Your plan is a good one and table stakes for folks with young kids. My only advice is to be okay with changing it when it no longer works. Good luck!
I love reading this. And I hope more people where sharing similar traits. As someone growing my PM career and 2 kids at the same time. It's a fine prioritization balance between the two. But at the end of the day, as much as I love Product Management, my kids will always be my real priority.
Thanks for sharing Pierre. Mine too! Good luck with managing both.
Thank you for this open, honest and helpful write-up. There are so many parents working in product, so good to see this topic getting some well-deserved attention.
Since the birth of my daughter, my wife and I both switched to 4-day work weeks. I'm really enjoying it and feel like it's a great balance (also to have a day of just you and the kiddo). We're both at Senior PM-level though, not really sure if it would work above.. But maybe that's the concession to make then. If it is, I'm happy with it :)
I’m glad you’ve found the balance that works for you!